25th January 2016
I’m Maddie, I’m 23 and I’m a bipolar alcoholic. I’m also a redhead, bookworm, cat lover, musician, fitness freak and foodie. The above don’t define me, they’re all part of my identity but none of them stand alone because, well, that would be absurd.
I may sound confident, writing up my life on to this blog, with no holds barred, but in reality I’m a big, brown-eyed, just-as-afraid-of-my-demons-as-you-are young girl, listening to Miles Davis’ “Ascenseur Pour L’échafaud” pretending to be in the Parisian 50’s shrouded in the smell of ink from a typewriter. Because, truth be told, mild and momentary disassociation is calming my nerves.
This blog is designed to tell the painful and blunt truth of my life. I hope to shed light on the darkness that is depression and to unveil the well-hidden secret of mania. I plan to describe what addiction feels like, to have every part of your mind, body and soul beg you to stop when you can only carry on. Each week I will give you more and more insight in to what my life was like at the very beginning, what it was like during the throes of addiction, what happened when I got sober and what my life is like now.
I wish I could say I will encompass everyone’s experience but these experiences will be mine and mine alone and never could I speak for the bipolar/alcoholic community as a whole. Neither my blog nor I are affiliated with any group, company or organisation and everything published is personal content. My opinions are purely my own and do not reflect those belonging to anyone else. Whilst everything I write is fact, all identities, bar my own, have been changed and all anonymity protected.
The reason I am choosing to “come out” is for a variety of reasons; 1.) I’m sick and tired of lying about/hiding something that is fundamentally who I am. 2.) I am raising money for a few related charities, which I will cover in the coming weeks. 3.) Rarely do people discuss mania or talk of alcoholics under the age of 25 and when they do it is from a place of lack of knowledge and misinterpretation; I think that needs to change.
Manic depression and alcoholism are my constant companion and for that I am eternally grateful, hopefully this blog will help you understand what I mean by that.