Destination, N.Y.C. Why was I going? Partly because I wanted a break and I plan to live in New York one day. A lot because I decided a spontaneous trip to a foreign city was the best thing I could possibly do right NOW! A little bit because of a crush I had developed on someone. Everything kind of just converged. If it weren’t for the latter reason I reckon I would’ve gone somewhere like New Orleans, just for the Jazz.
It was fascinating, watching how my feelings toward the holiday varied according to mood. Two days before, I sat on a train and I did not want to go to New York, I toyed with sacking the whole thing off and just spending a few days underneath the duvet – sod the money, fuck the trip, I was tired. The day before that, I wanted to run around screaming ‘I’m going to New York City!’ and the day prior to the flight I couldn’t stop quoting Legally Blonde in my head, “You mean like on Vacay?!” In fact, I sent an email, to my boss with the word ‘Vacay’ in it, twice. When I got on the tube that morning I couldn’t stop smiling, New York City(!) the coolest day! Yet five minutes before boarding I was seething over two bitchy airport attendants who had laughed at the amount of items I’d wedged in to my liquids only bag. Once on the plane I didn’t feel anything, not good or bad, neither depressed nor manic, NYC was just a fact and that was that.
During the holiday itself, I was just in a happy state of borderline-hypomania, apart from a few hours of sudden exhaustion on my first day, which I put down to jet-lag. Now… well… now, I’m sitting at LaGuardia airport oscillation between writing about bipolar and wanting to write about a fucking guy. That little crush, I mentioned earlier, escalated. So much so that I had to start a conversation, a couple of hours before I was leaving with “So what happens when I return to England?” For a variety of reasons, liking this guy was absurd but what was really surreal was how much I liked him when we met up, after four years of not seeing each other, in NYC. This is the most surprising, most inconvenient and most remarkable romantic encounter I have had to date.
My history with relationships has often revolved around me sacrificing my needs in an aim to seek someone else’s approval, however, today, I told the truth; I stated that I didn’t want a casual thing to evolve out of this weekend. I said it would have to be one of three things, either we would be an item or we would see how it goes with the plan that one day we would be an item or we would be completely platonic. And guess what? He didn’t shun me, the world didn’t explode, nobody died; it was the exact opposite of drama. He, in exchange for my honesty, was honest with me and the end result is that he has some thinking to do due to his own personal circumstances. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit sad when he didn’t immediately say “Yes! I’m so glad you feel the same way” But what would have been worse would have been if either of us had lied. If I had said I was okay with a casual hook-up and emotionally damaged myself later down the line, if he had just jumped in to a relationship and then backed out because he wasn’t in to it, or if he’d just said no, instead of taking the time to talk to me and we’d never explored our options.
I got told once, that there are only three answers to wanting something;
- Yes, but not yet.
- No, because there’s something much better for you.
To me, this guy has to work out if he likes me enough, to try to make this long distance, potential relationship work. If he comes back to me and says no, I will be disappointed and upset but I will get over it as one man saying no does not spell the end of my dating life. If he likes me but decides the logistics are insurmountable then he will get over it and he will meet someone else. When you experience rejection, the world keeps turning, friends keep matchmaking and dating websites keep running.
The hardest part, of all of this, has been having to make myself still, while I come to terms with the fact that I have no control over something that I want. All I can do is wait for my answer and remember that unmatched feelings hurt, they can make you cry, make you numb, make you rethink and regret but they don’t last if you don’t let them. Not being someone’s leading lady doesn’t have to be the biggest drama in the world.